A Question of Sanity

There are times...times when you think you will go stark raving mad...times that make you question your sanity...times when you ask yourself "What the hell was I thinking?!" You ask yourself this very question in regards to ...Motherhood! That's right. Am I sane? I really wanted to do this? First it's those tentative baby steps we take into the abyss that is the first night home. They cry, and you have absolutely no idea what to do. Thankfully, God steps in and says "feed the baby, stupid!". Then you move on to the nightmare of explosive poopy. Poopy of such enormous proportions from such a little being, that require a bath (for you and said child), and leave you pondering "Where did it all come from?!" Then they get older, and there's teething, fevers, runny/stuffy noses, coughs, scraped knees, goose-eggs on their heads and God forbid a hospital stay. You stumble through it all. Not realizing the depth of your decision, until later. Like when the 2 yo likes to take a header into the floor from his stance on a mostly deflated ball. Or when the 5yo, whines and complains and demands non-stop for whatever it is she wants at that moment (and she wants it right now!) - cocoa, to play on the computer, to watch a movie...Her raspy, angry voice sounding like nails on a chalkboard. Stomping, yelling, crying...not to mention her behavior...leave you ready to rip out your hair.
Then, sitting in bed, reading a book, you have an epiphany - "This is what I was thinking!" All I am saying is, you are going to have moments where you are close to a nervous breakdown, that's life. But, the good moments, even if they are few and far between, and at that particular moment you cannot remember a single one, outweigh all the bad. The first smiles, first words, first steps, the giggles, the silly faces, the high-pitched squeals and screams, the hugs and kisses, the " i love you mommy"'s, the smiles, the accomplishments...The bad only last a few minutes, the good goes on forever. So, the brief moments that you question your decision, are just fleeting losses of sanity. That is the true loss of sanity - that you may have decided not to open your heart and soul to these wonderful little beings, these wonderful gifts from God. The only insane thought would be that you chose not to have them in the first place.
Smile, and have a great day! I know I will. :)

ABC's and Ga, Ga, Ga's

What a wonderful way to start the day! The 5 yo was singing her ABC's, and her little brother (aka the 2yo) was "singing" right along with her. It's those moments you cherish as a mom! Then, as I was walking the 5yo to her kindergarten class, she said "Mommy, (the 2yo) needs a girlfriend." I told her he was just a little too young for that, and had plenty of time.
My biggest gripe of the day is scheduling. I hate schedules, but even more I hate it when someone screws mine up (when I must have one). Like Dr.'s offices. They think our lives revolve around them, and we can change our plans at a moments notice just to see them! I have left Dr.'s because of this. When you make arrangements 3 times in a little over a month to leave work to go for a physical and the Dr.'s office calls that morning (not even giving the 24 hours notice that they require) and cancels and asks you to reschedule, you get a little fed up. They expect you to pay your copay if you miss the appointment, or cancel in less than 24 hours. I think they should have to pay their patients for the inconvenience they cause!
Let's see...what else am I thinking of today...
Seems to me, that here lately I have been relying a lot on God to carry me through. Fear, stress, worry, sadness, anger...those emotions really get a person down. Sometimes you just get to the point to where you get down on your knees and say "God, I need your help. Please help me get through this!" And, lo and behold, things start improving. A sense of calm returns, and you see signs that He is listening, and is helping you.
We all need help with something, at some point in our lives. The hardest part is stepping back, letting go, asking for and accepting help. You have to do it every once in a while, or you will lose your mind. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
I may be Southern, but I am an intelligent, competent woman and a damn good mother! I may not be the best wife in the world, and I am not perfect at anything by any means, but I do what I do well, and I try my hardest. That's all anyone can expect out of life.

Introductions and general Monday ramblings

I am a 40 year old mother of 2 - the son (2) and the daughter (5). I have been married for 20 years. I know, I know. You're thinking, "yeah, so. Sounds like my life." Yes, it does. I'm just your normal, everyday, red-blooded American mom. My life is run-of-the-mill. Some may even say boring, but it's mine. I just want all the mothers out there like me to know that they are not alone.
Let me give you a little background. My husband and I both lost our Moms last year, and almost lost both our Dads this year. I had to quit work to take care of our kids because it didn't seem fair to give nearly my entire salary to have strangers watch my kids just so I could be with adults all day. So, I have been with them 24/7 for a year now. The daughter is starting kindergarten this year, and the son can be put into an affordable daycare when he turns 2. I have contemplated going back to work, but just don't know if I want to yet. The ideal would be for me to stay out of the workforce until the son is in kindergarten, but that would be 3 more years. Believe me, I have searched for things to do from home! To no avail.
The daughter is starting kindergarten, but acts like a teenager in her lovely demeanor. I always said, when I saw the meltdowns in the grocery store or wherever, that "My child will not act like that." Ah, naivety! I held this misconception that I could actually control my children and get them to do what I want. That they will always be polite, and quiet, and well-behaved when we are out in public. HA! Maybe if they were like the dolls I played with as a child! The daughter begs for everything she sees, always has to go potty in the middle of grocery shopping when the bathroom is half way across the store, and goes into fits when she doesn't want to do something I need her to do. The son is a little better, but come on, he's not yet 2. He loves to emit high-pitched squeals in WalMart. The longer and louder the better. He pulls things out of the back of the cart, and throws them in the floor, he crushes Daddy's potato chips with repeated blows from his elbows and he tears hamburger buns apart through the bags (of course I don't realize this until I am home, and putting the groceries away). No, he's the sweet one.
Well, I may have gotten off topic a little, but I did say ramblings. This is me, in a nutshell. I am: a Mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an Aunt, a creative soul, vulnerable at times, SuperMom at others, but mostly I am me...just a Southern Mom trying to survive day by day, and not lose my mind or myself.
Glad to meet you, and I hope you enjoy reading my ramblings from time to time. I look forward to getting to know you, and hopefully help brighten your day.